destructive cycle

You make a mistake once and it might be considered a fluke, the exception to the rule. But if you notice that action again and it again, it becomes a pattern and a habit. And once a habit sits in, it’s difficult to break out of. It has come to the point though that I am getting disgruntled and dissatisfied with who I become.

True honesty. I want to get out of Ft. Hood. It’s not that bad. People complain all the time and although I am trying to stop as well, I am also guilty of doing this as well. But perspective is so important. When I broaden my perspective, I realize that in many areas I am blessed. There are always things that I have to be thankful for. Being in the Army, I never have to worry about the essentials: shelter, food, water and safety. However, I am just bored. I can’t blame anyone in particular, but living in the barracks is a little stale at times. And that’s coming from someone that has a high ‘alone’ tolerance partly because that’s who I am as a person and the way I grew up.

29. I am knocking on the door of 30. Oh how time flies and I am giving my mid 20s to this Army thing. My parents called me and bought a cake, facetiming me to congratulate me. A couple of friends also sent me birthday wishes through text. I appreciate it all. My parents asked me what I wanted. Nothing materialistic really. At the moment, I have everything I want material-wise. I do want a car, but not at the moment, but when I get out of the Army in 1+ year. I want a dog too, but when the time is right, when I have pet-friendly housing and money to support.

Crypto is bleeding and pretty much all my money is locked in it. To be completely honest, when I invested it was a desperation move, but it wasn’t impulsive, but planned. You invest a little bit more aggressively when you’re young, when you have time to recuperate from it. That was my mindeset when I first went in and I have no regrets. My sell plan is looking much more unrealistic. To this point, the plan was to sell late November or December, but I might have to reassess this based on the market.

Even if I make a lot of money, most of it will be funneled back to my parents and relatives. They need the money more than I do. My parents and relatives are reaching the age of medical problems and my parents never really went on a good vacation. They were working all the time and looking out for us. So in my mind, they deserve to live it up the latter few decades of their life. Plus having a lot of money makes me complacent. Of course ‘a lot’ is relative.

It’s hard to admit it, but a lot of my past drives have been fueled by negative emotions. The feeling of not measuring enough, of failing myself and others. Not the healthiest, but whatever it is, I need something to spark up the next year in my life. I really want to get out of the Army. One of my biggest fears right now is leaving the Army and coming back in because I can’t make it in the civilian world. I need something like that at the moment. At least for the next year.




coding ⚛️ | ui/ux 💠 | korean 🇰🇷 | art 🎨.

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coding ⚛️ | ui/ux 💠 | korean 🇰🇷 | art 🎨.

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